Reaping the Rewards

The other day I was touched to see a Facebook post where a daughter congratulated her Mom and Dad on their 38th anniversary.  She said she knew “it hasn’t always been easy, but I sure am glad they stuck it out!”  I stopped to ponder the deep meaning in her sweet message.  Her Dad was a good friend of Mark’s and they got married just a year after we did.  We were witness to some of the struggles their young marriage went through.  In all honesty, they were not just  run-of-the mill issues all relationships have.  Most marriages would have been over.  Most wives would have said “I’m done,” on more than one occasion.  But she didn’t.  She stayed with her husband through it all and her commitment to her vows paid off.  She saw her husband grow up and change into a good husband and father to their four children.  And now, she is living the rewards.  She doesn’t go home to an empty house, she goes home to someone who loves her.  She doesn’t eat alone, she gets to eat and visit with someone she has history with, someone who has walked with her for 38+ years.  As old age doesn’t seem all that far away, she gets to feel the warmth of her husband’s arm around her as she sleeps.   When her kids come home, they get to come home to both Mom and Dad together.  Their family is intact.  What a beautiful thing.

I know blog posts make it seem like everything is rosy and always has been in the author’s life.  We write about the good things in our lives.  But of course the truth is, no life is struggle free.  No marriage is pain-free.  Mark and I have most definitely had our issues over the years.  But the “D” word never entered our minds.  I can’t sit here and claim that it was because we were special.  The fact of the matter is, I wouldn’t have had a clue what to do if I would have left Mark.  When you have six children and your only job is keeping books for your husband’s business, it tends to keep you where you are at, thank goodness!

If a young couple sticks it out, I fully believe they will be richly rewarded.  Once the kids are raised and it’s just the two of you, I feel God blesses you with a life that feels like an ongoing second honeymoon.  Both of us have grown over the years, we have both learned what is important and what isn’t.  We are just naturally wiser from the years of living we have behind us.  We have realized the things that used to drive us nuts about each other weren’t worth giving a second thought about.  In fact more times than not, I’ve seen that it was me and my behavior that caused the issue.  Being older, and especially the fact that Mark has a serious health issue with his heart, makes me realize that we won’t always have each other.  One of us will more than likely lose the other and have to learn to live without the other.  That knowledge just makes everyday that much sweeter.  I don’t take a single day for granted.   I love and appreciate Mark more everyday.

I think that is why the girl’s words touched me so.  I know it wasn’t  easy for her parents, her Mom especially.  But I know how happy they are today.  I know her Mom’s decision to stick it out has paid off BIG time.  Now she gets to live the result of the commitment she made  years earlier.  “For better or for worse” are not just words, they are a promise.  There will be good times, there will be bad times.  I’m just so glad that Mark and I can be counted among the couples who managed to struggle, fight, pray our way through the bad times and now we are living the good times.  I hope and pray the same for my children and all young couples, that they can understand the bad times are only temporary, but the rewards for sticking it out will last a lifetime.

Right Tune, Wrong Song

There’s a song sung by Billy Currington that has the most catchy tune, one that stays in my mind long after it’s over.  When I hear its first note I can’t help but feel a little more peppy and start to sing along.  The only thing is – I hate the words!  It’s about a couple who don’t love each other anymore and how they should just face the inevitable and call it quits.  The song says, it’s no ones fault, but the bells have stopped ringing, the music won’t play and that “crazy little feeling” has faded away, it’s just Love Done Gone!  I’m always annoyed when it comes on.   A song with these words should not have a catchy, happy tune:

“Like snowflakes when the weather warms up,
Like leaves on the trees when the autumn comes,
Like the dogwood blossoms in the late spring rains,
Like a red kite lost in the big blue sky
It’s just love done gone”

But you know, as I look at all the above analogies, I see something completely different.  Do you remember late spring snows when the flakes were so big and fluffy you couldn’t help but comment on how pretty they were, and then how fast the snow melted leaving needed moisture behind?  And who on earth would not say the leaves on the trees are at their most beautiful in the fall even though you know before long they will fall off?  And yes, the spring storms may knock all the pretty blossoms off the trees and bushes, but the past two years in our neck of the woods, we have found out what  summers without those spring storms were like – brown grass, dried up ponds, dried up rivers, and a temperature so hot most of our gardens wouldn’t produce anything!  And I remember flying  kites with the kids and our theory was the more string and the higher we got it to go the better!  It was extremely hard to keep track of that small red dot in the sky, but Oh, how excited the kids would be when one of them spotted it screaming “There it is!” and pointing it out to the rest of us.

I actually agree with the verses, I just come to a different conclusion.  I remember the days in our young marriage when things were more difficult, disagreements came more often, and ugly words were said.  The storms could come on suddenly, without warning, and leave devastation in their wake.  Sometimes the loving feelings could be awfully hard to find, but when we found them again, the days without were quickly forgotten and we discovered that the  rainy days had watered and nurtured the future, making it that much easier and sweeter.  I tell the young women I am around, that if they lovingly and prayerfully work through the tough times when they are young, struggling to make a living and raise a family, doing their best to put their husband first, they will be rewarded with a second honeymoon when they get older and the nest empties.  I think God intended for marriage to get better and better as we get older and I think the troubles he guides us through earlier is all part of the process. We grow and learn from them to make the later years even better.

So now I don’t have to cringe when I hear the song come on, I can sing along with Billy with one exception, when he comes to the end of each chorus and sings “It’s just Love Done Gone”, I belt out louder than him that “IT’S JUST LOVE GOIN’ STRONG!”

Not Too Young

In honor of Mark and I’s anniversary, I am reposting this about our special day thirty-eight years ago.

On July 4th, 1974, at 2:00 PM,  I was getting married for the second time.  People who were guests at the church where I walked down the aisle, had no idea that we were already married and that they were only watching a formality.  One hour earlier, Mark and I said our vows to each other in a hospital waiting room with only our witnesses, parents, and minister present.  We did this so my Dad, who was in the hospital with terminal cancer could be with us.  I was seventeen years old and three months pregnant.  Mark had barely turned nineteen.  I wish I had a dollar for every time we heard that we were too darn young.  I can only imagine the people who were placing wagers on we wouldn’t last a year.  They would have lost, we have stayed true to our vows.  We stuck with it through times when we were at our best and more times when we were at our worst. (For better for worse)  We have finally made it to a time when it isn’t such a struggle financially, but we have seen tough, uncertain times that came from farming and from raising six children. (For richer for poorer)  I am never ever sick but Mark has some major health issues.  (Sickness and health)

One of my biggest pet peeves is when a marriage splits up and I hear someone say, “Well, they just got married too darn young!”  I argue that I don’t see what age has to do with it!  I think just as many marriages fail when the bride and groom are in their thirty’s as do the ones when they are teens.  Out of my small high school class, several of us got married right out of high school or shortly afterwards and most are still together.  In fact one of them got married when he was sixteen and she was fourteen, they raised two daughters, and are about to celebrate their fortieth anniversary.

Mark and I have said many times that we think getting married so young was good for us, we finished raising each other!  Marrying as young as we did, made it easier for us to mold to one another, to chip away at the two different family dynamics we brought with us, until we had the right combination to form our own, new, unique, family unit that works for us.  Over the years we have both grown so dependent on each other the D-word is not an option.  I think we need to thank all those nay-sayers for telling us how young we were and how we weren’t going to make it, and thanks to Mark’s aunt who said that I wouldn’t make Mark a good wife because I was a “city girl” and he needed to marry a farm girl who would be able to help him with his work.  (I came from a town with a population of 55)  It rubbed me the wrong way and I was out to prove her wrong!  I think (know) that neither Mark or I deserve any credit for beating the odds, for without the good Lord’s help we would be just another statistic.  For his love and guidance I am exceedingly grateful!

I do know that thirty-eight years has gone way WAY too fast.  I sometimes get blue realizing it would be very unusual for us to be able to spend another thirty-eight years together.  Too many couples don’t even reach their fiftieth before one of them is called home.  That is only twelve years away!  How is that possible!?  I’m glad Mark and I started our life together so young.  That many more memories made, that many more experiences shared, that many more fusses and disagreements that we learned from, that much more time to have gotten to know one another inside and out.

I guess we’ve come full circle. Now we actually sometimes hear “you’re too old for that”.  We just smile, knowing that we will never be too old any more than we were ever too young!

Home is Where the Passion is!

My four grown daughters and I have a wonderful relationship.  We truly are each others best friends.  We all feel the same way about my two daughters-in-laws, but there is one aspect I share with the girls I birthed that Dani and Amanda missed out on.  If the five of us are around each other too long, we can get annoyed with one another, then a few minutes later we are laughing hysterically about our drama and it becomes another great memory.

A perfect example was this weekend as we were getting ready for and having our big garage sale.  First of all, we didn’t allow enough time to organize the huge amount of items we had and we couldn’t agree on the best way to price items.  Karen was appalled at how much stuff she had and kept saying we should just call the show Hoaders, Buried Alive,  and sign her up.  About an hour before opening time, someone drove up.  Stacie said, “Well, we’re not ready, we need to tell them to come back at 5:00.”   Karen said, “No!  That’s “so and so,” I told her she could come early because she lost her mother.”  We just looked at her because we thought that was a rather odd thing to say.  Within seconds more and more people came and we had an entire garage full of people and we hadn’t even put prices on anything yet.  This stressed a couple of us out, but we got a system going and things were moving along fairly smoothly.  Before we knew it, the first night sales were over and everyone went home to get a good nights sleep in order to start-up again the next morning at 7:00.

The people trickled in a little slower this time around, but we still had a lot going on.  My mamma was here and bless her heart she wanted to be right in the action so we were always on guard to make sure she wouldn’t trip on a toy or try going down the steps by herself.  It is also very entertaining the things she will add to a conversation!  As things were winding down, we were all visiting in the living room.  We started talking about different things and how we feel about them.  Epidurals vs natural births.  Cloth diapers vs disposable ones.  Buying in bulk to prepare for hard times vs not worrying about it.  Making our own natural products vs just getting it at the store.  That is when we sometimes get a little defensive.  We start thinking the ones who don’t agree with us are implying we are wrong in the way we do things.  Put this on top of being around each other, along with thirteen children, for almost twenty-four hours straight, and we all got just a little testy.

I have to admit, I was the worse one.  I took one of the babies and went outside to sit in a lawn chair.  Stacie came out to see if I was OK.   I knew even then, that I was being ridiculous, over-dramatic, and immature.  She didn’t have a lot of sympathy for me.  I told her she was a horrible comforter.  Within five minutes we were all packing things up and putting everything back in the garage so we could close the door.  We all started laughing at each other and ourselves and before long we were wiping tears from our eyes from laughing so hard.  That is how each and every one of the disagreements we have end, in laughter.  And I am so grateful.  First of all, it makes for great memories.  Second of all, I remember reading once, that a family who doesn’t have enough passion to get upset with one another now and then, is not a very close-knit family.   Because the passion and emotion that makes them care enough to be annoyed, is the same passion that makes them fiercely love and defend each other.  I read that when my kids were young and that is a thought that I have held onto through toddler fights and teenage screaming matches over borrowed clothes, and it still holds true today.  Here is a copy of the post my oldest daughter Kristi put as her Facebook status that night.  I know most people who read it had no idea what most of it meant, but it just increased our laughter and made the memory even better!

Sitting here thinking about My Big Wonderful Family. We are crazy and loud. There is a child crying, or hiding, but usually giggling, or all the above in every room. One of us likes pain, the rest of us LOVE Epidurals. Two of us like to swish dirty diapers in the toilet, the other two thinks this is absolutely nuts.  Some of us boil flax-seed to make hair gel, some of us just go to Dollar General. Some of us buy peanut butter in 50 gal drums, but a jar at a time, regardless of any price increase, suits the rest of us just fine. But, despite our differences we are always there to comfort each other. Well, all but one of us and she really stinks at comforting. Mix this in with a senile 98-year-old woman and there is absolutely no other place on earth I’d rather be! So glad one of them is also a hoarder and wants to comfort the grieving with early shopping at her garage sale so I could spend this weekend with all of them! Love you guys!

A child is… what he lives

Today, Dani and Kyle borrowed our pickup to haul fencing material for their back yard.  They asked if a storm came up, would I please put their car in the garage if it looked like it might hail.  Sure enough, it looked like stormy weather was moving in, so I drove their car into our garage.  As I was driving it in, I thought, I need to be careful so I don’t hit the step on that side of the garage like I did my son Bryan’s car one night.

Our two boy’s have never been “car junkies”.  Quite the opposite!  In fact, Mark always said, that was one lesson he tried to teach them, to not waste their money on cars, that he might have drilled into them a little too much!  Their vehicles were beyond old.  They were dented in, broken down vehicles that somehow, miraculously, still ran.  Bryan’s was a 1992 Oldsmobile with over 250,000 miles on it, that he had purchased from his sister and brother-in-law for $200.  Being one who never liked to spend ANY money, he drove it all through his college years and beyond. Finally, last year, at the age of twenty-four, he broke down and bought himself a nice car.  He was understandably very proud of it.

One night, I drove his car into town and when I came back, I drove it into the garage.  Since it was parked on the opposite side that I park my pickup, I forgot about the step.  I didn’t feel a thing and got out and started watering my flowers in the yard.  Bryan came out and sounding a little annoyed and a lot amazed asked, “Mom!  Could you not feel  that you were driving my car into the step?”  I said, “No I didn’t!” and went running in to defend my honor.  When I got to the car, I just wanted to die!  In fact I sat down with my head in my hands and started to cry because one entire half of the bottom of his bumper was caved in a good six to eight inches.  He said, “It’ll probably come out”, but when he got in and backed it up, no, it didn’t.  The dent was still there and looked ten times worse.  But instead of yelling and screaming and being mad, he came over and started comforting me, saying, “It’s no big deal, it’s just a car.”  Which made me feel even worse.  He and his Dad were able to pop most of it back out, but it still left a crinkle. I felt horrible, but Bryan just kept assuring me, it was no big deal.

As I contemplated how kind he was being to me, I started seeing flashbacks from the past.  I remembered how everyone was amazed that when we bought our pickup, the first trip it went on when we got back home, was a two hundred and forty mile round trip to a ballgame, driven by our two boys and some of their friends.  At the time Bryan was a junior and Kyle was a sophomore.  People couldn’t believe that we let them take it.  We told them that they were a lot more important to us than any vehicle.   I then remembered how a couple of years earlier, Bryan had borrowed our pickup, got caught in a storm, and compliments of hail, strong wind, and a huge tree branch it received over $6000 in damage.  When he called to say what happened, one of the first things he said was, “Sorry about your pickup”.  We let him know without any doubt, that we couldn’t care less about the pickup, we were just glad he was okay.  Don’t get me wrong, we definitely had a “this really sucks” feeling, but it in no way translated into mad feelings at him.

Now, not one part of me is going to take credit for this attitude.  It has been through the gentle guidance and love of the Lord that we have learned what is important and what isn’t.  My poor older kids received tongue lashings that they never should have received because we were young and stupid.  But, again, thanks to Jesus, they turned into wonderful adults that don’t hold it against us and I am so very grateful for that.  I know that Bryan responded to me, when I damaged something of his, the same way he had seen us respond earlier, to him.  Several sayings came to mind, one of them – you reap what you sow!   But mainly, I remembered a poem that I had seen that goes something like this:

If a child lives with criticism,
He learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,
He learns to fight.

If a child is ridiculed,
He will have no confidence.

If a child is shamed,
He will always feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance,
He will be patient.

If a child lives with praise,
He will learn to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness,
He learns to be just.

If a child lives with security,
He learns to have faith.      And………

If a child lives with forgiveness,
He learns to forgive!